the way he looks at me
in his eyes
How often do I really hear him?
this young man's tears
that he cries
How often do I really hold him?
that little boy aching
to slow down
How often do I really show him?
one teenager in angst
How often have I really hurt him?
wee heart so very kind
a life of pain
How often have I really said sorry?
before he began to numb
to never regain
How often do I wish he were here
after he leaves his home
not even a call
How often do I pray he's alive?
awake for days on end
now, I am
ready to ball
How often does a mother die?
when her son is gone
she can feel
his hand in hers
How often does light try?
to find the darkness
searches for solace.
Possibly, it is due to my shining Son's puberty and untimely
surges of testosterone; causing unceasing suffering, at time -
More likely, it is all that madness around the centered center
of my life.
Most be why my latest joke is:"If I'd known my child was
going to turn into a teen .. I would never have had a baby!
A quick, short , gaffaw. Then back to the basics of raising
a young male teen, in the city. As a single mother, with
absolutely not one real and definable male role model!
Personally, I can not understand, for the loving life of me,
how a male can even refer to himself as a "man,"when he
is not even able to measure up to the standard of even being
somewhat 'emotionally available. " Let alone, capable of
spending some real and unadulterated time with a boy who
aches to be cared about.
Some children have it all.
Kaelin has always been so brave. As an only child, he certainly
did get all the attention. From Me. Yet, who gave me the support
that i needed and deserved? Nary a speck of unconditional love.
A woman's son can always FEEL his mothers pain. He holds it
inside of his burning insides .. And, if and when he stops all
recreational sports, ceases all boyhood friendships - for good reason,
and has no father to call his own, what energy does he have on
The other day, for the first time in months, my beautiful boy, drew for
hours. Beautiful art. The magic that his prolonged childhood bestowed
upon him. Treasures that his mother saw within .. his blessed self. Gifts
that she nurtured.
Now, all he carries .. is his laptop, that he sawed off of its dining room
lock. Literally leaving home - for one or two nights .. at a relentlessly
tiring time. Until he runs out of raw, vegan foods, fresh water, and
adrenaline. Scary way to live - and ...
This week .. was the first in a few, where he actually stayed close .. for a
few days. Then, our old friend, Greg, came into town, for an overnight
visit, and to share a couple of walks and a gourmet rawk'n meal with the
kid that he once knew as a baby. A nice respite - until he left.
Afterwards, my King Kaelin, and I, went shopping at Whole Foods. Soon
after, we spent over 3 hours at Book Warehouse, buying up a "Closing Out"
sale. After an eventful Sunday night, bus ride home .. we hugged until fell
asleep in each others arms.
My son slept 12 hours. For me, it was the best sleep i have had in months.
Sadly, my stubborn Aries, refused to eat breakfast. Barely brushing his teeth,
he was already fixated .. on latching onto his 'stolen' computer. Sad.
This modern day malady, is even more sadly - accepted.
Imagine if other parents did not tolerate this un-kind of behaviour ..where
all else .. is abandoned and anyone else .. is neglected?
Maybe it would not seem to my sometimes belligerent boy, that he is is "the
lucky one;" being bestowed with a peaceful and loving sanctuary.
No t.v., cable, and plenty of soul soaring music. Very few 'house rules,"
pertaining to consciously constructive time, spent on his very own computer, ..
would it not seem acceptable to anyone in
their right mind!
Oh, that's right.
I must remember - HE is in puberty.
And, guess what .. ? I hear that it is not over, yet!!!!!
Breakthrough's - not Breakdowns,
Wait til i tell you about my 13 new books. And some of the wise
offerings .. on raising a well adjusted teen.